The First

April 9, 2010


“God stirs up our comfortable nests, and pushes us over the edge of them, and we are forced to use our wings to save ourselves from fatal falling. Read your trials in this light, and see if your wings are being developed.” Hannah Whitall Smith



…on May 17, 2008…everything changed.

A massive brain hemorrhage, where only 2% live to tell it…

My sanguine stallion reduced to a mere shadow of himself.

The once life of the party…subdued.

The influential father of our sons…uninvolved.

The one we always depended on…dependent.

The one giving constant attention…requiring constant attention.

The passionate devotion…passive.

The laughter, fun & life to the fullest…silent.

The priceless many terms of endearment…not needed.

The man who knew every bit of trivia and news worthy topic, thus possessing an opinion about everything…quiet.

Mr. Action…no incentive.

Mr. Phone Call; I will track you down and find you…zero phone calls, unless prompted.

The one giving all his attentions…requiring all attention.

The man who had to be the first and fastest to arrive…not even caring when we get there.

The man who had devoted all to us…needing us to devote all to him.

Our daily lives of 24/7 care giving… a constant reminder of just what and who we have lost.

His sons eyes of deep loss…


Seeing my beloved so utterly helpless…slowly methodically returning to life.

…the relearning of most everything.

Strength upon strength returning by insufferable – incremental – degrees.

Nothing of the old life…experienced…absolutely nothing.

Ahhh! but there is Hope. Constant HOPE in the daily…absolutely necessary!

“…Your hope will not be cut off.” Proverbs 23:18

…then the discovery of my dependence or even perhaps addiction to the good life we had together.

My identity…us…together…soon to be 30 years…a crazy in love “true companionship” existence.

“The finding of my needle in the hay…”

“The power of love: cause I am your lady and you are my man whenever you reach for me I’ll do all that I can.”

Thus began our secret chamber of isolation and prayer, with God building a mysterious wall around us. All the supports and memories of the good life, we normally leaned upon…taken away. Our ordinary ways of doing things…removed. A closing off to something divine, unable to be understood by examining our previous life…before. A place where we do not know what is happening…a new normal…a new rhythm …distinctly isolated to God as He holds us and deals with us. EVERY expectation coming from Him.

A deeper understanding surfaces: Difficult trials bring the sweetest discoveries.

…heard that before

ahh!

clearer now.

This…a new life emerging? An ever reverent realization that God Almighty is here among us, hearing each numbered cry aloud…always providing…always.

Hush…a respectful tiptoeing occurs in the duty of it all…the day is holy. A glimmer ahead…on that uncertain horizon…an anticipation of our new life.

The new man emerging and the question is ask…with an answer…attempted.

Acceptance?

No looking back…only forward.

Peace.

Gratitude expressed for each of the man’s baby steps.

…and look, kind-hearted before…the sweetest kindest…not ONE complaint man…patiently waiting on His God.

Joy found in witnessing our sons…broadening…shoulders.

The “grit” for us all…only God can give.

God’s people…family…friends.

…the love & prayers.

A continuing deepening of reliance on God’s provision and life sustaining Word.

Is that laughter returning to the empty rafters?

Is the spark returning to the man’s eye?

Is it all a little easier?

“…Yet it is I who taught…to walk, I took them in My arms…I led them with cords of a man, with bonds of love. I became to them one who lifts the yoke…I bent down and fed them.” Hosea 11:3,4

There is life…without this being fixed.

Pick up the memories
pack them snugly in a grateful place
like long ago china
precious
&
treasured.

Hope…the power of that stone rolled away.

A new life.


This is us now.


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4 Responses to “The First”

  1. Mandi Says:

    Miss Bonnie,
    Your writing is so beautiful. It is so genuine and vulnerable. Your words reflect such a beautiful heart that is fully surrendered to the Lord and so in love with your husband, even though almost everything about him has changed. The Lord continues to use you to encourage and challenge me. Thank you for being His vessel.

  2. Bonnie Solid Says:

    Dearest ~~

    Everything fits into a pattern for good.
    Your journey of wife & mothering is fresh & beautiful … just think I knew you before it all began. Bless You Beautiful One.

  3. Madisson Says:

    Dearest Aunt Bonnie,
    I am so glad you started a blog to journal your “new normal”, your new life that the Lord has given to you. Your sweet spirit has always been such a blessing to me. Your writing is simply lovely. I love you very much!

    ~Madisson


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